MeiMei in the laundryThis morning I woke up to the sound of the alarm and my second son starting his shower. One down, three more to go. I knew I could sleep a few minutes longer until he was close to getting out. Then I woke up the oldest and youngest, and got a bowl of cereal for the latter. All the little details of getting them out the door and off to school took place. The third never did get his turn to be clean. Then it hits me. The house is a wreck, not only strewn with boy odor clothes that I walk around and gather up; but also bowls and trash that are left on the floor... by computers, and near comfy chairs. It's not just that mess either. I know in my beauty loving heart that there must be some way to make our home appear intentional, ordered, coordinated, designed, lovely. This leads me to other thoughts. I never quite seem to make it or get even close to creating or doing something wonderful.
And are these the type of things that should really matter to me anyway.... I go back in bed. Last year this kind of thinking led me down a dark road of
discouragement and sadness. I better watch out. I slept (with a little, sweet poodle snuggled up by my side). I woke. *
What is my purpose?* No answer. And slept some more. I do know that the primary purpose of each life is to love others. But I don't seem to do even this very well. I determine to get up and do my physical therapy stretches and exercises. Then take a shower. I take some time scanning the internet - wondering what to write in light of the lovely homes; amazing photos; creativity; and incredibly clever, funny, or meaningful posts that delight my mind and eyes at every click of the mouse. I hope I can honestly say that I'm not fishing for complimentary comments. And I certainly don't want harsh ones saying, "Just get your act together, dear!" either.... I need to go fix dinner. It will be something ordinary: rice, stir fried chicken and zucchini, and maybe carrots on the side (my oldest doesn't like cooked ones). Served straight from the pan on plasticware dishes rimmed with flowers, no garnishes or extras. I hope it fills these ever hungry teenage stomachs up..... Bye for now.
I've been doing some more thinking and am wondering if my issue (besides lethargy and motivation) is with giftings and talents.
Some words from the Bible to ponder:
All the women whose hearts stirred them to use their skill spun the goats' hair.... The Lord... has filled him with the Spirit of God, with skill, with intelligence, with knowledge, and with all craftsmanship, to devise artistic designs, to work in gold and silver and bronze, in cutting stones for setting, and in carving wood, for work in every skilled craft. And he has inspired him to teach, both him and (another). He has filled them with skill to do every sort of work done by an engraver or by a designer or by an embroiderer in blue and purple and scarlet yarns and fine twined linen, or by a weaver—by any sort of workman or skilled designer. (Exodus 35-36)
Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. Show hospitality to one another without grumbling. As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God's varied grace....
(1Peter 4:8-10)
Also 1Corinthians 12
MeiMei in the laundry
Oh Steph, sounds to me like you're being a bit hard on yourself. Do you really think all those blogland homes are really all that tidy and clean? Don't you wonder if you could see outside the lens of the camera that the house may be a mess elsewhere and if you could smell it, perhaps not all that great either? And if it actually IS perfect as it appears, someone must spend every single minute making it that way.
ReplyDeleteI know what depression is, more than half of us women probably have dealt with it at one time or another. In my bible study days, I learned that our purpose on earth was to glorify God. I think getting three boys clean, fed, and out the door is glorious. Don't you? xo,
oh stephanie!
ReplyDeletei have sure been where you are, a thousand times.
you are choosing the better part in expressing
what's in your heart and desiring to enter your
purpose.
right now, you just can't see many results of that
purpose in loving messy people who never really
appreciate and never quite help enough or the
right way.
i promise, though, that someday, you will.
this mother's day, my five children expressed in
their unique ways how grateful to me they are.
gasp.
the sweetest expression came from the 18 year
old, so you don't have much longer.
blessings,
lea
ps. i LOVE that scripture from exodus!
You two are so faithful to me. Thank you so much for your kindness, wisdom, and encouragement. It means the world to me.
ReplyDeleteDear Steph,
ReplyDeleteI have those moment of "what's my purpose" too, and sometimes it's overwhelming! I keep putting one foot in front of other, and hope I don't fall.
Right now, I'm hitting low time with so many things, and trying to catch up..
Allow yourself to feel all you could feel, acknowledge it and do some more painting. Yours are beautiful..It will get your mind off..